I had to put my cat to sleep yesterday. It was awful, she was sick, and we were alone. I literally can't imagine a more adult situation and a more emotionally draining end to my poor Poe's life. She was my companion for 15 years. She was about 1.5 years old when I rescued her, and every night, she would lay down on my pillow or by my side. I'm going to miss her for a long, long time.
I've been getting more spiritual and deep lately - call it maturity or whatever. I guess I was expecting some sort of revelation after her death, but I'm just sad. I'm shrouded in sadness. And I know, she was "Just a cat", but I swear to all things holy I will astrally bitchslap anyone who proffers that sage advice to me. She was my familiar and my friend.
I don't have anything deep or intense to say about this loss. Maybe that itself is the deep thing. Sometimes things are terrible. Sometimes you have to swim around in the terrible until your fingers get all prune-y. Maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to take home.
I'm seeing Death less as a transition to another plane - as it must be for the souls who to go, and more as an emotional, soul rending obstacle course that the living have to negotiate around. Don't cry at work. Don't lose it in public. Don't be too sad, other people have it worse. Don't beat yourself up. Don't wonder if you did the right thing. Just accept that it's a thing and move on.
Except, moving on isn't good for us, right? I tell people all the time that they need to hang out with their grief and do it properly. Honor the relationship that you had and acknowledge that hollow space where the person or critter used to reside. My heart actually hurts. Isn't that weird? My chest aches and my stomach hurts and I can't focus.
So I cried at work. I lost it in public. I'm really sad and I'm accepting that there is no "Worse Bad". This is real and valid and deserves respect. I know I did the right thing. I accept that it's a thing and I'm going to sit right here with it, until I feel like my heart is healing again.
And with that, I leave you with some amazing art by Joseph Pintauro, and some pictures of my Poe the Cat. I'm going to go fetal for the weekend. Talk soon.